i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
even my farts smell like vagina
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
