No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
