Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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