watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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