I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
