Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
