i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You pole danced in your parka.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
