im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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