I just saw a hot homeless man
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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