the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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