What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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