come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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