Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
