Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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