Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
