The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
