Say something about gay babies.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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