just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
