I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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