yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
