So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
whose parrot is this?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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