dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Sext me about skeletons
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
