Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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