i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
