Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How external is "for external use only"?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
