Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
