Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
