my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
