My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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