I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
