Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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