I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
