Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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