in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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