I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
