my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
They are going to name an STD after you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
