i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
