I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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