Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My vagina just clenched in fear
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