my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
