i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
