Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
