and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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