Your face is a jimmy john
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
