please come you make the beer taste better
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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