I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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