Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
