My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
