And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
