Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
