Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
